I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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