so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
