I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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