My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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