I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
