More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
