If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
