bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize