At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
