it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
