I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
People in love make me want to vomit
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
