She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
