Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
