I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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