when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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