I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
