watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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