I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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