I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
