So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
