The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
