It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
