You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
