i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
