I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
