The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
