She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
