If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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