oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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