ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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