I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
