Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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