i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
