I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
