So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
