Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
