At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think a kid would responsible me up
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
