I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
