So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
