Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
