Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize