Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
