apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
