My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
