The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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