I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
