My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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