I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize