I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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