woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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