I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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