look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
