"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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