my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
