I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I deserve this hangover.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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