can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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