Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
