Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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