y did u give ur computer a hand job?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
