he wants to bone in the snuggie
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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