dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize