You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
