she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
