omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
