My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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