I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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