i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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