Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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