I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
