My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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