When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
